Lonely

     In June, my life changed again.

     No, nothing too crazy. But still a change, one that is hard. Up until now, my cousin and best friend, Rachel, lived here in Edmonton. It was such a blessing, having her live here for the past 4 years, because it allowed me to visit Raymond and also spend time with her. After we got married and I moved here, Rachel and I lived just 15 minutes away from each other. Growing up, we lived 5 minutes apart, and spent the majority of our time together, so living so close again was such a blessing! In spite of all the Covid restrictions, we were able to hang out at least once a week, since she lived alone and thus was allowed to be considered a part of our household. Every Saturday, Rachel would come over, bringing homemade sourdough English muffins, and we would watch the Great British Baking Show and bake something ourselves. When church was open, we would see each other there on Sundays. It was so good, having my best friend live so close again, but also just to have a good friend in this place where I knew hardly anyone else.

     Well, now, that time is over. In June, Rachel was transferred back to Ontario, and so Raymond and I helped her load up her car, and the three of us drove across the country together. We spent almost two weeks visiting my family, which was great (although we missed our little bug-a-boos, the two cats we adopted back in April!). We flew home at the end of the month, just before Alberta opened up from all Covid restrictions (YAY!)

     I knew it'd suck, having Rachel move away. And it definitely has. I have Raymond, of course, and his family. But I don't know his family very well. Because of the restrictions, we haven't been able to see them much. Not to mention he has six younger brothers -yes, SIX- and his family is loud and very overwhelming for me. Plus there's always some sort of drama, and I always feel slightly on edge, waiting for one of the trigger topics to come up. Now that Alberta has opened up again, we see them much more often, which is nice, but still. They're not people I know well and am comfortable around. I'm introverted. Large, loud groups exhaust me, especially when I don't know them well. So I'm getting there, but it is definitely a process. And of course, I also have Raymond's friends and their wives, but again, with Covid restrictions, it is hard to get together. Not to mention the whole they're-Raymond's-friends-and-I-don't-actually-know-them aspect.

     Our church has been a blessing throughout my time here, as we have joined the youth leadership team and thus gotten to know a few others, including one man who just got married. Him and his now-wife were in our Home Group as well, and so now that restrictions are gone, we are seeing them more, and having them over this week, actually, for a games night. It's nice because they are friends that we made together. They aren't RAYMOND'S friends, with me just kind of getting adopted in, but they're a friendship we can build together. Which has been nice, and helped ease the pain of Rachel being gone.

     But with Rachel suddenly gone, back in Ontario, I have become so, so lonely. I'm unemployed now, so I'm alone all day. Which is fine; again, I'm introverted and so am quite content being alone. But Raymond is not an introvert. He is, in fact, incredibly extroverted. So ever since the restrictions lifted, he's had something going on every single night. First it was pizza night with his family, then his cousin's birthday party. Then it was a hang out with a teen he mentors. The next night, we had his best friend and his wife over. Then Raymond had a games night at a game cafe. Then it was date night, and then a youth evening. Then it was a day spent with another friend couple, and then pizza night with his family again. Then, dinner with his grandparents, and then we had his parents and one brother over for dinner. It's quite literally something every night, apart from Date Night. Which is fine, I would never want to stop Raymond from being social, something that he has really, really missed during Covid. But at the same time, when he is off doing something in the evenings, when I'm not a part of it, I feel the crushing weight of Rachel's absence. I feel the reality of the fact that I moved across the country, to a place where I knew (essentially) no one, and just slotted into Raymond's life. He still has everything he had before, with the bonus of now having me here. But nothing else changed for him. He still has his family, his friends. His job, and his hobbies. For me, though, everything has changed. EVERYTHING. At least before, I had Rachel as a reminder of home, as a comfortable part of new life that was also part of my old life. And now I don't.

     So yeah, when I'm at home and Raymond is at work, it's fine. I'm not bothered by that. I keep myself busy. I don't allow myself to sleep in or nap or watch TV all day. But as soon as it's a time when Raymond should be home, if he is out doing something, I'm overwhelmed with loneliness. I miss Rachel. My best friend.

     Loneliness. It sucks.

     Yet ultimately, I am not alone. I've got Raymond, of course, who loves me and would easily give up his busy social schedule for me, if I asked him to (which I would never, ever ask of him!). But I've also got Jesus. He's there with me. He brought me here, and he's not going to just abandon me. 

     Thank you, Lord, for being in Alberta, too.

     Blessings,

          Katie