The Roller Coaster

     Being in a DTS is a very unique experience. Basically, you’re at Spiritual boot camp 24/7. Not only do we have worship every day, but our classes are all about God and our faith. And during our free time, especially late at night, we often find ourselves gathered in the hall or in the lounge just talking about things. And I love it. It is awesome. Honestly, choosing to come to Wisconsin was really the best decision I have ever made!

     At the same time, though, it is hard. It’s like I'm on a spiritual roller coaster. Some days, I feel God’s presence so clearly and I can hear Him speaking to me. Other days, no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to feel or hear Him at all. It can get frustrating, let me tell you!

This past week was definitely a roller-coaster, but mostly I just was struggling to connect with God. On Monday at conference, during worship, during worship, I saw an image from God. But I had no idea what it meant. So I prayed about it, but I still didn't have clarity.

     The next morning, I awoke and my first thought was about the Garden of Eden and how Adam and Eve freely walked with God there (the image had included a beautiful garden). It was literally my first thought, but I wasn't sure if it was just my weird early morning/half asleep brain (cause trust me, there can be some weirdness in my sleep! Oh boy, some of you know!) or if that was actually God letting me know what the vision was about. So I went about the day, but I just couldn't seem to connect to God at all.

     Tuesday night was a really meaningful worship session for most people, but I just couldn't seem to connect with God. After the time was over, the leaders put ipod worship music on and gave us the opportunity to stay and continue to talk to God if we desired. I stayed and was talking with one of my friend (it was Anna). Then Christine came over and started to tell us about how God had been showing her images of ladders all day, and she just couldn't figure out what it was supposed to mean. So then I told them both about what I had seen, and we decided to pray about it together (I'm still not entirely comfortable praying out loud in front of people, but I do it all the time and I'm getting there!) and ask God for clarity.

     After the prayer was over, Anna turned to Christine and explained what she believed the ladders to mean. And it made sense, especially since I had immediately thought of Jacob and his dream about the staircase to Heaven, and the two thoughts related. Just then, Keisha, my one-on-one came over and knelt by Christine. She told her that God had told her to tell Christine something during worship, but she had waited until now. After she said the message, we all just started laughing- it was exactly what we had just discussed about what the ladders meant! It was super cool :)

     Then Anna turned to me and said what she thought mine meant. "I'm not sure exactly where it is in the Bible," she said, "But in the tabernacle, there was a place. I don't know what it was called in English, but it is like the place where it was more holy, where God was." (the Holy of Holies). So once we established what that was, she said that my image was about God wanted me to come into His presence completely. So then I was like "Yeah, considering what my first thoughts this morning were, that would make sense!" 

     So that was really awesome! Absolutely great! But after that, it seemed like I just absolutely could not feel God's presence, and the only time I could ever really hear Him was during intercession on Thursday. And even that was weird- everyone in my group got messages about light, and I got weird images, one of an old man and one of a gingerbread mountain with an elf on top, of all things.

     Still today I am struggling with feeling God's presence and hearing Him. I feel like I am trying and trying and just not getting it. At the same time, weirdly enough, I just feel like God is telling me to be patient and persistent. When I said this in our worship this morning (due to a lack of vehicles at the TC, some of us had church here this morning), when we prayed in small groups, Kenzie grinned, "You aren't hearing God, but He told you to be persistent, huh?" (there would totally be an 'eh' there if she was Canadian!). And yes, its kind of weird and funny, but its true. 

     This coming week, we are learning about Spiritual Warfare (yay!). And honestly, I think it is going to be a really hard week for me. I just feel that God has told me before that spiritual warfare is something that I am going to be experiencing a lot of in my life, and that it is something I need to know about. But the enemy is obviously not going to want that. Really, I feel like my struggle to connect with God is in part because of this. So my goal this week is to be persistent and continue to pursue God, and to pay attention during class no matter how tired I am, or how much my head hurts. And I have this feeling that this week, I'm going to be exhausted and have bad headaches!

     Good thing I've started drinking coffee :) Seriously, last week, I averaged 2 a day. Two an hour, really, cause I'd have one before worship in the morning, and one after.... And sometimes another one after class :P

     So yeah, that's where I am. I wasn't going to write about it, but I feel like it is something God wants me to do (again, I know, weird... I'm struggling to hear Him yet I know He is telling me these things... its is super hard to explain!). One thing we've learned while we have been here is that when you stand up and admit what you are struggling with, it loses its hold on you. You can also find out that while you felt alone and isolated in the struggle, other people might be dealing with the same things. 

     So yeah. That's that. I'd really appreciate your prayers this week, just that I will be able to focus and learn in class, no matter what! 

     Blessings,

          Katie